C21H30O2

For me, patience seems to be harder and harder to come by everyday I get older. By patience, I dont mean the patience it takes in a long ass line at Chipotle or waiting for a long download. The patience i’m talking about is the patience it takes to tolerate people who piss you off so much with their fake bullshit that it’s impossible to ignore anymore. I’ve really lost that type of patience. I can’t handle being around or talking to anyone who isn’t completely genuine and honest in what their saying and how they act. Everyday I try to make improvements in myself and most of the time I don’t succeed. Atleast I fucking try. I feel as if a majority of people are so damn blind that they never even second guess the way they act… They just mimick every little action they see around them and then their satisfied. I cant stand it. Just by looking into a person’s eyes you can tell… I’ve always felt different when I really make true eye contact with them. As if you can actually link with them or something.. pretty weird… anyways, I think the problem comes from not being honest with yourself. If you can admit to your own flaws and imperfections, you’ll never grow and you’ll be miserable as long as you ignore them. For example, it’s really rare that you meet a drug addict that openly admits that he’s addicted to something because of DENIAL. Denial is refusing to believe something that is true. If your fucked up, and you know what it is, don’t try and hide it. Be open about the shit and flaunt it as much as you can. Whatever it takes for you to be honest with yourself. If more of us could learn to do this, we would all be less insecure and more open to criticism. We need to let go of social networks and try communicating on a human to human level, not a computer to computer level or a phone to phone level. It just fucks everything up so bad. Back in the day, if you had something to say, you had to say to a face. There was never the option to tweet someone or text them and hide. You literally had to walk right up to the person’s face and say the shit. Anything other than that is being a coward. It sucks to say that I’ve done that same shit… instead of spitting the shit upfront, i’ve posted some lame ass tweet or just texted the person. It’s a fault that I’m trying to avoid as much as I can. The thing that pisses me off, and is one of the reasons why i’m writing this, is so many people are so comfortable doing that. They don’t even think twice. I think it’s lame as fuck, yet I still did it… How played out is that? Alot of what I rant about comes from frustrations about myself I think. Sometimes I dont do the best at empathizing with other people like I want people to do with me. That was an exact example of putting the spotlight on one of my imperfections and truly admitting it… not only to myself, but to anybody reading this. If you have gotten this far in my post, you have probably already noticed about 50 flaws that I have, which by the way i appreciate it if you have read to this point.. *fist bump*… but seriously, be you and fuck anything that takes away your happiness. Otherwise, what’s the point?

Peace

Damn… I’m 17 years old, damn near 18. That seems like such a small number for the amount of stuff that has happened in my life so far. When I was younger I used to always envision what I’d be like at this age and it seems like I had a completely different idea of what i’d be like. I’ve gone through some pretty major changes between when i was younger and now. Some changes im proud of, and some that im not. I guess it’s all a part of growing up. With changes, comes new perspectives and new ideas. I’m becoming more observant and analytical of myself it seems. I’m beginning to notice things about myself which i never deemed important in the past. Like my tendency to forgive people and shrug off moments where someone has let me down, for example. In the past it was never something i took seriously when a “friend” of mine would ask to hangout and then find something more exciting to do and end up blowing me off. I’d just shrugg it off and try again the next day… no big deal. Recently, i’ve began so lose alot of patience for things like that. I’ve isolated myself from alot of people who i no longer have patience for. I try to give people second chances and accept people for their flaws but its getting to a point where im not concerned with any extra chances or the flaws people have. After awhile, people’s colors are so obvious and reoccurring that it’s hard to accept a flaw that is so frustrating and nerve racking. I’m becoming more concerned with my own feelings, and not strictly the feelings of others. Not that i’m becoming narcissistic or anything like that… I’m just becoming more self-reliant. I’m starting the notice the importance of satisfying my own needs before the needs of others. It’s important because if your not focused on your own feelings, people notice, and people take advantage of it. They notice how you consider their feelings and begin to bend you in any direction they can. It’s almost like a feeding frenzy for anybody who can smell your lack of stability after that. You start to slip into a hole that you feel like you have no control over, but you do. Then there’s the other side. If your focused on your own emotions and needs, people notice that too. People will bend over backwards just to relate with you. People begin asking questions and become more curious. These are the people who glow with positive energy. The people who are always talking and seem to be the center of attention. Everyday I see examples of this. I’ve been back and forth between both sides and they both have cons and pros. My goal is to find a sort of equilibrium between the two.

Peace